imperfect - a confession

Nothing is perfect. We all know that very well. I know that very well too. I've known very well that I will never be perfect ... i know that. Please do not imply that I wanted to be perfect. I've always wanted to be the best I can but I know perfection is never to be achieved. But so far, I've gotten perfect scores and some nearly-perfect things ... but as it turned out, imperfection has come to me in the most unexpected way, in a way that no one sees and may be few care ...

There are a lot of things that will never coexist. For example, if you a male, you will never be a female. Things automatically eliminate each other just like a natural process ... some of these elimination you are aware of ... some takes time. I've got perfect scores several times. I am seen as a perfect student several times ... and this perfection automatically eliminates something else, making my life imperfect. I'm not allowed to be scared. I'm not allowed to be worried when exams come. If I'm scared, it does seem that I'm being insensitive to others. People will say, if I'm scared, then they will die. I'm not blaming them. If I were them, I guess I would say the same thing. But the thing here is the future is always uncertain. There is no guarantee that if I have a good score in the previous test, I will have a better score in the next test. Yes, people are right if they say if I have a good score, that means I've already understood most of the things tested so there's no need to be scared. You may think I'm irrational and just paranoid if I say how can I be sure that I understand everything. So, worry ... yes, I do feel it but I guess I cannot express it. And the saddest thing is that "you don't need help". Maybe it's right. Maybe it is also because of me who prefer to figure out things on my own. But don't you think that is an imperfection in one's life. Living your life without needing help? Sometimes, I want to approach someone to ask for help too but ... firstly, what should I ask? secondly, is that person available for me to ask? ... :( ... You may think I'm being snobbish and having pride over the fact that I don't need anyone but i guess you are wrong. No, I'm not snobbish. It is just I have a different perspective from you ... being lonely and doing things on your own is an imperfection ...

When you don't have the things most people don't have, you don't feel very bad. But when you don't have the things most people have, it certainly does not feel good. If I try to be fair, I do have something that a lot don't have but in return, i don't have things that a lot of you have ... yes ...

They say, when much is given, much is expected ... but if you want to think in an economic way, when much is given, more is expected. People want to have economic surplus, they don't give to receive back the same amount. I guess I'm given something, so I guess I have to work hard, lose something else to give back what is expected. Don't think I don't love my life. If I ever start my life all over again, I will still choose to live my life this way. Just that sometimes, a little bit of reflection is just to help me understand myself better and just to realize that I'm forever not special, forever a normal person who have missing pieces of life that can never be found ...